Getting Past the Present

Winter is one of the more stranger seasons in the year. On one hand, I love the hard biting sting of the chilly winter air whenever I go outside; on the other hand, this cold dry spell proves to be a bit harsher on my body than I anticipated. But I guess you take the good with the bad eh? It’s quite a strange juxtaposition of thoughts, akin to a love-hate relationship I s’pose. And while I say I love the harsh cold that greets me each morning materialized in the form of a layer of frost covering my car, it seems that the winter season hasn’t exactly been my best friend within recent memory. I hate to beat a dead horse, as I’m sure that those who also read my ramblings are aware of/saturated with, and I’d like to think that I’m in a better position than I was last year, but somehow, some things still feel the same. And I guess most of this does stem from the social aspect of life, but, well, here I am rambling about it.

I moved back home in the summer of 2011, and while that isn’t too long a period of time in the big picture, from this moment in time, the 19 months that I’ve been living at home, after having had tasted the sweet freedom that college living had to offer me, has felt like an eternity living in a prison of sorts. No longer do I have a cohort of people my age who are freely available to hangout at all hours of the day, nor do they necessarily live in the same vicinity either. I mean, yes, I’m still living in the city that I grew up in, but there are people who’ve moved away in search of bigger and better things, such as jobs or graduate programs. And for the few that are still around, we never hang out. Apparently the friendships I had w/ some people weren’t as close as I thought (this seems to be a recurring theme, unfortunately), or there are people that may be open to hanging out, only if certain other people(s) are around. On some levels, it’s mildly frustrating, but with the year long mulling over this same topic (stemming from W’12), it’s moreorless been simmered down to a apathetic level now.

I hate to put people on blast (even if it is anonymously over the internet via my blog that has a relatively low viewership, something by the way, I’m  more than okay with), but I feel that it’d make for a good point right now. Winter break has come and gone, and with that winter break season, so too has people’s window of hanging out flown the coop. There were two groups of friends I’ve got for this lil anecdote, and I guess it sorta helps me position my thoughts and views in terms of friendship on a spectrum of sorts. For one group of friends, we’ve been attempting to hash out details for something for quite a few months now, only for nothing to materialize due to various time conflicts that came up in our schedules. But this didn’t fall through for lack of trying though, and we continually had various persons attempt to (re)initiate things over time. I’m sad that we couldn’t get things to work, but hopefully we’ll have another chance to work at this in the summer or something. There was another group of friends who we weren’t able to get a hangout going, except this situation positions itself on the opposite end of the spectrum. I tried to initiate something, people responded with a weak vague “yes” and it just fizzled from there. One attempt, one response, and no plan of action. It’s sad to say that I thought these were friends that I used to count as some of my closer ones too, and repeatedly I’ve attempted overtures over the past few months, only to be rebuffed with a wall of nothingness. Yes, I can take a hint, but something naive inside me says to keep trying, even when logically I know it’s long past due for me to move on. Hell, one person even said it “just hasn’t seemed worth it.” I wish I knew why I even bothered trying, when at a point down the road, I only end up regretting my feeble attempts.

People are human, and humans have their faults, in that they always somehow manage to disappoint. People also always leave, but c’est la vie, right? I’ve had friends recently move to NY (job/internship, so permanently/temp?), one go study abroad in E.Europe, one head to SE Asia to get away, and another who’s been trapezing the world as well. I don’t begrude them that at all; I’m more than happy for them to get out and go on adventures and explore the world. But I guess I’m bothered by the fact that I have friends who’re still around, but while they’re physically around or at least, living within the same area code, they couldn’t be more distant in terms of our friendship. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bitter, especially with how some of my friendships have progressed, but at the same time, I know doesn’t really matter. There’s a reason certain people (and those friendships) from the past didn’t make it to the present. But one of my faults is my tendency to linger upon nostalgic moments. What can you do.

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