Sleeping on the future: when blacksheepwall fails

I’ve been having trouble falling asleep at night, which isn’t too out of the ordinary following any break from the routine in my life. It’s a habit I’ve unfortunately acquired and continued to maintain since HS, where I had and still have the tendency to stay up all night idling away on some ridiculous time-wasting activity (the object of which has changed over the years). The main point is that I’ve never really been able to 1) keep to a regular sleeping pattern or 2) really ease into a peaceful slumber (on the rare occasions that my body mercifully allows me this one pittance of quick sleep onset latency; oh happy day!)

In addition to having trouble falling asleep, usually characterized by a normal amount of time that involves tossing and turning over and over again (tangent: I just realized that, out of my entire family, I’m the only one who is plagued by this; everyone else seems to have no trouble sleeping. goddamn.) my thoughts of late have been drifting towards the future, and the various unknowns that it brings. I won’t go too into detail about all that, seeing as how that’s seemed to be the general topic spanning through most if not all my previous entries, but this thought has constantly been on the back burner, even through the nights, adding additional unnecessary troubles to my sleep.

Growing up in the Christian circle of things, I’ve always been taught (drilled?) to memorize certain versus and trust on my ability to recall them to help me through various moments in my life. One of the versus which I fondly remember ingraining into my mind was Jeremiah 29:11, which says “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I guess it was taught as a promise that God above is like a master planner who has already decided everything out for us. The idea of which is analogous to fate, destiny, or some other kind of predetermined future for our lives. Some people subscribe to that school of thought where our future is set in stone, and others scoff at that and say that the future is an open book, and that we’re free to write our own stories.

(Can you have a quarter-life crisis at 22.5+ years old? Or do you have to officially wait til you hit the big two-five to actually join that club?) So that’s been the dichotomous nature of my mind as of late. What with the whole open unknown that lies before me, it leads me to wonder about my said future and who exactly dictates it. And even if it is all laid out for me, if there is someone pulling the strings, I’m of the belief that some action is still required on our part to get to wherever we’re supposed to go. I just don’t know where to go because there lies too thick a fog of war in front of me (and no, blacksheepwall doesn’t get me out of this one). And others tell me that they may have this map of sorts that can spell out what lies ahead of me, but I’m exactly sure if its from a credible source.

It’s my sister’s 18th birthday today, of which I’m happy for her and proud of all that she’s done so far, but there’s a caveat I gotta say, in that, gosh, growing up sure is scary.


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