我不開心

Been having trouble sleeping as of late, which I think is both a combination of my taking afternoon naps in addition to my just normally being a night owl. And I think,  that this particular idea isn’t a foreign one to most people, in that when you can’t sleep your brain either goes into overdrive or that because your brain is in a state of over thinking that you can’t sleep. Either or. Here I am at 2am typing away this entry on my phone..

While part of me just really wants to sleep in and not do anything on a Monday morning because of my late sleeping habits, I also think that I’ve started to dread going into work. And because work is pretty much the only thing I have going on right now, that dread slowly grows bigger and bigger until it encompasses me entirely. With that said, I’m pretty sure I’m not happy.

And I know the opposite of not happy is sad, to put it in simple terms, but I’m not exactly sad though. I don’t have depressed downtrodden thoughts or feelings, rather it’s more so the feeling of discontent and wanting something more. There’s a void here, birthed into being not by the violent removal of something that once was, but an abyss of nothingness that has yet to be filled. And that’s sorta what it feels like right now, because there is a discrepancy between being not happy and sad.

Like I said, I just recently passed my 3 months of starting work, and because things have gotten mundane and that I’m finding myself with more and more time to thumb twiddle and essentially no challenges there, it’s difficult to remain engaged in what I do. The problem is, this is the s’posed path I’m stuck on, at least until I can land myself back into some schooling program (the thought of returning to school both frightens and excites me). And that opportunity doesn’t quite happen for at least another couple of months (aka half a yr or so).

I need a solution. Something needs to change. Because working 4 hrs (+/-) and sleeping 8 hrs (yeah right) daily means I still have 12 hrs (ish) of my day to occupy. That’s a lot of time to do something. And it’s also a lot of time I’ve wasted in the past few months doing… I don’t know exactly what.

I’m not happy. Because there’s this huge big void. That I don’t know how to fill. Until then, back to clockwork mindless menial task of doing things on endless repeat, day after day after day.

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