So I’m really upset that xanga went bellyup last year and decided to attempt to reinvent itself with the launch of xanga 2.0, as all the xanga links I had inserted to my 2012 review post are now defunct. I spent so much time hunting down those specific posts too, all for them to lead to an empty abyss in the interwebz now. What a waste. (And here’s where I unveil a hidden project that I had where I imported all my previous xanga posts into another wordpress site as an “archive” or sorts. Nothing new, but just all (or most) of my xanga posts of old hosted on wp servers. According to my 2012 post, these are the 2011, 2010, 2009, and 2008 entries of yore. Because I don’t want to dig any further. But holy crap. My writing ability back in 2008. Wow). The following is an excerpt from then:
Connectng to that, ’08 showed me to be a person who is deeply deeply connected to my past. It’s not just a linear string that ties me to it; it’s more like a heavy-duty steel cord with some sort of spring-loaded system that threatens to snap back and drag me back at any unknown moment. It’s a fatal flaw I have, and I’m well aware of it.
Who is this kid? Haha.
Back to the present. I took a quick gander at facebook to see if there was anything I could use for inspiration, and their “2013 year in review” page for me.. sucked ass. Which I guess just means that I had a pretty sucky year if they had nothing worthwhile to put on that page. The logic checks out.
So I ended 2013 just like I ended 2012: sitting indoors back in TC doing absolutely nothing. For the scope of this entry, I’m going to reference further back just so I can mention how it felt like everyone had gone to a combination of either HK or Disneyland in recent memory. My best adventure: heading up to Arrowhead because someone else’s original plans fell apart and wanted to add some people last minute. I guess all of this is a perfect microcosm of the past 12 months for me. Nothing happened. And it’s sad really, because this has been an overarching theme for like the past three years now (dating back to 2010, according to my last year’s entry, being “downtrodden and lament[ing] my lack of direction in life.”). One of these years, maybe I’ll have plans to celebrate and ring in the new year and all that jazz, but this past year was yet another uneventful NYE. And I’m not saying that it bugs me, but it bugs me.
Unlike 2012 which seemed to have a pretty lengthy recap, 2013 was decidedly simpler than the previous year. I was at PCC, floundered about after school ended in May, worked for my Mom’s workplace for a month, and then have been at my current part-time position since the end of June, having missed just three days of work in the past 6 months (2 in late Sept. to drive up to Norcal to drop the sister off at college, and 1 last week just b/c I was in a complete dgaf mood). This was the first December/holiday season where I wasn’t on winter break or had vacation or anything. God my life is so mundane right now. But I guess I should be damn thankful, because after finishing up classes in May, I really had no idea what I was going to do. And attempts to land even just an interview through my own efforts were absolutely futile. Then the parents stepped in and asked just wtf I was doing with all my spare time, and all of a sudden, I have an interview, and my one and only chance at getting the job turns out to be a successful one. The little victories.
With this job, I was supposed to use it as a resume builder and apply to PT school. Officially, plans to get into a graduate program have been shelved until further notice. The present goal is to get into a PTA program (associate’s degree…), ideally the one at Loma Linda which is an 18 month program that starts in June, meaning I’d get out at the end of 2015 and hopefully start working at the beginning of 2016. I’ll be 26 and a couple years behind the rest of my peers in terms of career, but better late than never eh? The only problem with that right now is that I haven’t done any work on applications, and I was supposed to start this back in September, or about 4 months ago. Well, scheiße. Because while the job I have right now isn’t too bad (~5hrs/day, administrative duties mostly involving paperwork), it’s a dead-end thing and really already stopped being interesting about a month or two in. Now I’m on autopilot, droning about my work simply to log the hours, and I know I need out asap. Because working as an administrative assistant is definitely NOT a job I’m interested in. And the fact that I’ve done this for 6 months already… Wow. I’m a little disgusted and impressed with myself for sticking it out for so long. Others might be able to do so, and I definitely see the value in such a position, but it for sure as hell isn’t something I want to be doing long-term. Remember this feeling Derek, and gtfo.
Church has been another curious topic. It’s stopped being entirely important back in the summer of 2011, and it’s really never become a thing of urgency or significance since then. I haven’t been to a retreat since then, and actually haven’t been to a retreat for myself since 2009. Now I know church and religion aren’t predicated on how many retreats you go to or when you went, but I think it just shows how long this hasn’t been a relevant thing, as we’re coming on the 5 year mark of when I last cared. In the present, I’ve managed to rework church in my regular Sunday routine, but that’s just it. It’s a routine, and even then, I often feel like a stranger at the church I’ve attended since I was a kid. I was at lunch with folks this past Sunday, and we got around to talking about ages, and everyone there was right around the 30yr old mark (minus a friend who’s back for winter break, but, yeah). And the other large gathering of folks is the college group of 18-21 year olds. And here I am in no man’s land sitting by myself at 23. Services don’t really mean much to me, I don’t go to Sunday School, and haven’t been plugged into a small group or whathaveyou since 09/10, which was led by a arrogant blundering imbecile who I lost a lot of respect of in a short span of time. Then there was the jackass of a pastor we had at our home church from 09-11 I think that had all but essentially cast me out of the congregation (that was a fun time). I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, and it’s another thing where I’m simply going through the motions because that’s what’s expected of me.
And then there’s people. Friends. Or lack of. I haven’t let the memories of early 2012 fade, and I felt abandoned by a lot of folks then. Of course, no one knows or cares about what I went through then, so if a tree falls in a forest and no one’s around, does it make a sound? It’s not that I’ve lost friends, but people’ve just slowly disappeared, and I haven’t had the care to do anything about it. And while some have made a weak attempt to reach out, through everything, I really don’t care. The downtrodden/angry mood somewhat carried over from 2012 to 2013, and this past year felt like the year of deteriorating relationships. Now I’m sure it’ll bite my in the ass at some point down the road, and future Derek won’t be happy about it, but that’s just how things currently stand.
I think the only interesting thing of note was that I picked up reading, because that makes people more interesting or something like that. My reading list (hosted on fb; will aim to change that at a future date) says I read 23 books in 2013. I guess it’d be nice to one up that, at minimum, or something. I also started watching TV shows, where I completed Friends, caught up on Doctor Who and HIMYM, and continued watching Game of Thrones. Pathetic list, but it’s a marked change from when I didn’t pay attention to any tv.
There was this random interest post that went about ranking your 20’s from worst to best, and being 23 ranked as the worst. Now hindsight and subjectively, I’d agree, after seeing how exciting 2013 was. I want to say here’s to 2014 and turning 24 and getting out of this extended rut, of finding a larger pool of people who care about the same things I do and also somehow ended up in this all too tiny boat that has a hole in it, sinking it slowly over time, with the feeble attempts to bail out water being confounded by the ever increasing rate of sinkage. I don’t know what 2014 holds, but I hope it’s a helluva lot better than the shit 2013 threw at me. But I guess that’s on me for sitting there and taking it and not doing something about it.
My writings gotten drastically worse, but that’s also because I’ve stopped writing as much because I have nothing to write about. Wompwomp.
p.s. Because I forgot to add this in, and aren’t quite sure how to fit it in properly; been living back at home since 2011. While it’s convenient, living with the parentals takes a huge mental toll on you. I don’t foresee that changing in 2014. Damn.