If Not Now, When?

The month of January has never been my favorite month. Or rather, I was indifferent regarding the 12 months of the year, but the past few runs with this particular month have just seemed to be less than wonderful. Can someone tell me exactly how we’re already more than halfway into the month already? It’s a pretty wretched month, but I s’pose the lack of anything eventful happening should make me eager for the month to end. Which I do. But also don’t want.

I’ve been terribly irresponsible with my time lately. Every afternoon this past week, I ended up taking a nap, even though I knew that it would end up being a longer nap than I had planned and also result in a disturbed sleeping schedule because of the nap delay (Been sleeping at 1/2am lately, which makes waking up in the morning a little more difficult than desired). And it’s a terrible cycle, where I go to work tired, leave work feeling tired, and then decide I should nap to ward off the tiredness and to occupy my time (not a smart idea, I know). Then I end up sleeping late and waking late and going to work tired… Rinse and repeat. But. I didn’t nap today! Which actually is a result of my sleeping in til about lunch time. Then there’s also the little issue of my having not done anything/left the house today either, but that’s a story for another time, or something.

But. So. In the expanse of nothingness than encompassed my day, this one little thought kept popping into my head. “If not now, when?” Applicable to so many things, in a myriad number of circumstances, it gave me pause and made me think about the excessive waste I’ve been indulging in when it regards to the amount of time I’ve been having lately. The largest issue that’s been nagging at me is the whole career-future-job-shindig that’s been a constant pressure on my back, rightfully so, of course. It was September when I set out to get the ball rolling; I’ve barely even attempt a dent into transferring any modicum of momentum onto this giant stone ball (or maybe it a giant ball of tumbleweed, or possibly even a tiny little dodgeball type thing; I don’t know because I haven’t tried pushing on it yet). Because I’ve been toying/fantasizing about getting into a school and having my next 2 years figured out, and in doing so, I could afford to quit my job (because while the people are great and everything, as I’ve mentioned before in previous posts, it’s really really boring. And I’m honestly not getting the exposure that I was looking for, so bah. And I guess I just recently passed my 6 months checkpoint of being employed with them. Whoop-di-do).

So, really, it’s simple: kill the batman get the application processes going and get into a damn program. Because I think the majority of what I’ve looked at says they begin in the summer, so if I can stop being a lazy bum, I could get everything settled and start having a peace of mind about things. Because the constantly cloud hanging over my should these past few months hasn’t been fun. And it’s time to make January a better month than one for sulking or something. Because, if not now, when?

And the idea of quitting is so that I could get away from SoCal before I start school. Which is a great idea; not sure as to the exact feasibility of it. And then there’s also the fact that my previous kiddos have asked me to take them on for the rest of the school year because their current youth worker is leaving. Which would put the disappearing from SoCal plans on hold. But I also gotta decide if I could go back to that. Priorities. Decisions. Details. Oi.


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