Idk.

Update to Max. Don’t know the how/why, but after that day that Max suddenly had energy and greeted me at the door, and proceeded to eat a normal dinner, thing’s have been back to normal. Thank goodness. We went on a walk the other day, and I have never been so happy to see him poop on a walk. Haha.

And another life update: I started my 2nd round of clinical rotations last week. 1/6 weeks done already. I saw 5 patients Friday. At my last place, we could’ve had up to 6 patients every 30 minutes. It’s been pretty easy/chill, but I did want to see something new. Eh. Guess I’ll have a more comprehensive rambling after I get through this rotation.

Since I’m back to clinicals and not in class any more, that means I’ve a lot more free time now versus taking classes, as I don’t have to study  and go over lectures and prep for tests and projects and the like. (It’s crazy to me that that was barely a month ago. And that March is almost here. And this 2nd rotation ends on April 1st.) I mean, I should still be reviewing things since I’ll have the biggest test of my life on October 6th, but life is pretty chill right now.

The problem with that is, when the mind isn’t preoccupied with something, it gets to drifting, thinking, wandering, musing. And it’ll rev up to 100 mph or drop down back to 0. Nothing in between. The dichotomy usually occurs along the parallel of day and night. As in, during the nighttime, I’ll be totally 100% interested in pursuing something, and making whispers of plans to progress towards that goal. But then daytime comes, and I’m completely offput by whatever fragments of plans I had, and discard all the whimsical ideas I had. This makes life difficult as I’m unsure where exactly I’m pulling myself (or allowing myself to be pulled.)

brain_-_obsessed_-_uninterested
– A visual for the situation.

So with respect to this tug-of-war mentality of mine, I’ve been unable to resolve a conundrum of mine that’s been plaguing me since… summer now I guess. Or even longer. I’m not sure anymore. Year plus? Fuhhhh. I just want closure (now when have I said that before?…), but am unable to move in a direction to allow myself to do so. Like, I can conjure up loose links and force myself to see some clues that I could persuade myself into one thought process, but then I can similarly do the same and use those conclusions to dissuade me of whatever I had planned.

It’s been quite some time since I’ve felt strongly about anything. It’s not like I’m merely drifting about through life, but at the same time, it kinda feels like I am. One day at a time right? And come what may.

 

 

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